Jack would do anything if you made him a bet

He’d stand on one leg for more than an hour

Or suck on a lemon just to check it was sour 

.

Although he was willing to stand up to tests

He tended to push things too far in excess

He’d take on a challenge that anyone proffered

then increase the size of the bet that was offered

. 

Angus gave Jack a huge apple to eat

And challenged him to eat the whole thing complete

The pips, the peel, and all of the core

Had to be eaten till there was no more 

   .

Not one to shy from a challenge laid down

Jack looked at the apple and gave it a frown

Surely one apple was easy to eat

He needed a much bigger task to complete! 

   .

He bought some more apples, a very large bag

So many it caused the tea table to sag!

He opened his mouth in the morning to munch

And continued at pace until way after lunch 

.

By teatime his speed had considerably slowed

He sat at the table all hunched and head bowed

Juice all down his front and pulp over his face

He struggled on, though at a much slower pace

. 

Finally finished, the challenge complete

He went to the garden for air and a seat

Unfortunately somewhere in Jack’s bloated tum

Something was plotting a grisly outcome 

.

Quite without warning like many boy’s fears

Leaves began sprouting from out of his ears

It seems all the pips he had eaten with glee

Had sprouted and sprung up a very fine tree 

.

As branches formed leaves, then blossom, then fruit

Jack suddenly feared for the exit of roots

By now far to late to do anything more

The tree rooted downwards and into the floor!  

.

By the time that his parents had seen what he’d done

An apple tree stood and our young Jack was gone

The tree stands there still, to teach us the lesson

Avoid all the pips in a fruit eating session!

now that would be a pleasure,

to get those voices down on tape,

and listen at my leisure.

Sat down on his bum with knees up like a rabbit,

He’d proceed to move forward reaching paw over paw,

Whilst dragging his bottom around on the floor. 

My mum wasn’t pleased having seen what he’d done,

As he’d written his name on the floor with his bum,

He spun and he turned as he moved ‘cross the floor,

And gathering pace headed out of the door. 

He seemed to be writing a list of demands,

Which he wanted applied across all of the land,

A new bill of rights for all dogs and their friends,

He wanted the suffering of canines to end. 

He wrote that dogs don’t like to chase after sticks,

Do poodles like bows in their hair? Not a bit!

The wearing of collars and walks in the park,

The chasing of cats and then having to bark. 

Having another dog sniff at your bum,

With shouts from your owner of “Come Rover, Come!”

Eating cheap dog food and wagging your tail,

And being told off for just chewing the mail. 

Balancing biscuits on top of your nose,

Or having to sleep on someone’s old clothes,

Catching a frisbee whilst up in the air,

And getting complaints about shedding your hair. 

People don’t realise dogs are like us,

They don’t like to walk when they could catch the bus,

They’d like nothing better than a house and a job,

To get rid of “Rover” and replace it with “Bob” 

But dogs have to grasp that they cannot be us,

They just can’t compete with us humans because,

They can’t write things down with no opposable thumbs,

So they’re forced on the carpet to write with their bums…

Bogies are a funny mix of crust and bits of goo,
How do they get there, no one knows, I only know they do,   

Some are hard, some are soft, they come all shapes and sizes,
I like the way you never know, I like to get surprises,

Some people flick, some people eat, some wipe under their seat,
some people they do things with snot, I’d rather not repeat,

Your parents say its not polite to roll and then flick snot,
I bet even the Queen’s been known, but maybe not a lot,

The truth be told we have to pick to clear out any stoppage,
Explosions in the end result from too much bogie blockage…

Thumping, thundering, noisy young Jack

How can a boy be as rowdy as that? 

Pounding, pummelling, up in his room

I think that the ceiling might fall on me soon. 

Belching, burping, eating his tea

Not how I’d behave in polite company. 

Bumping, blustering, at home and at school

Even the library despite any rules. 

Snorting, shouting, awake or asleep

Life with our Jack is no good for the meek!